At 16, she thought she had found her first love and the best complement to her insecure self. The butterflies, the fear of parting, the promises of forever- her little heart had absorbed them all. She knew this would last for an eternity and beyond. Little did she know this eternity meant a span shorter than her first internship.
The aftermath of the break-up took away the poetry of her life. Her pieces evolved from rhythmic poems to skewed proses. The sweet peel of eternity had given way to subconsciously sunken guilt- of not being able to make this work out. But girl, should I be proud of her for choosing the ‘one’ reason to stay over a multitude of them to step back? Maybe a little. For what she did at 16 was so much braver than what she forgets to do today- being honest with herself.
Hello to the one relating to this! I know you carry a zillion of memories, good and bad, in your little heart that’s afraid of people, feelings, and everything humane. Your phone carries a graveyard of memories passively buried in the backed-up school album. You ask yourself, ‘Is it okay to revisit them?’
You know you revisit them every time you ask this question to yourself. You haunt your heart and hurt your head with ghosts that dance the story of your life. Why not give them a face! Maybe you’ll curse humans a little less, maybe you’ll like them in your proximity and maybe you’ll allow yourself to feel what your 16-year-old self felt. It trembles your heart, doesn’t it?
All of it, again? No way. Ah, and you start counting your breath again. sighs.
Let’s try this. Will you be able to erase moments from your life if you consciously avoid the thought of humans who brought them about? Guess what, you already knew this. You know you’ll never be able to meet all 8 billion people breathing on this planet. The handful will keep appearing and reappearing in your life as you continue to compare the new ones with those in your past. Guilty, aren’t we?
Coming back to the memories versus person question.
Um, I’d say depends. It depends on who stays longer. If it’s the people, memories become the reasons to hold on to them a little longer. Just like you hold on to your closest friends despite all the ugly fights- because you have a story with them. A story with multiple hues that you’d like to paint for everyone else to witness.
If it’s otherwise, you fight the urge to not give them a place, in your shielded space. Basically, you’re afraid of them staying longer this time. The longer they stay, the clearer it gets for you. The only difference is that this time, they are in the 2-D or maybe 5-D but not in the same space as you.
Hence, we might want to tweak the question. Who stays longer- the memories or the person? Now we know the answer, don’t we?
I am not sure how sensible or senseless it sounds but I am definitely sure of one thing. I did not have the courage to write this in the first person. I was too afraid to admit all these realisations that have piled up over these years. This is essentially a note for a part of myself (and you), who’s fighting ghosts.
So Ak, if you choose to pick up the courage and read this out to yourself sometime, I hope you ask the right question! (From the 19-year-old who’s learning to try)